One Word: Bittersweet

Yesterday my co-worker and I took a little mid-afternoon walk like we have done on many afternoons when we need a break from our checklist of never-ending items. It gives us a chance to talk about life outside of work, a chance to be the other women we are, not the career one, but the sister, partner, matriarch, and friend versions. Anyone who knows me knows I like to talk and one of my favorite topics is the most general of all, life. We have covered many topics under the general umbrella of life while on our walks and it’s these small gems that have made boring days interesting, but more importantly it’s what bridged our gap between coworker and friend. I can remember when I started this job and I wasn’t sure if we would get to know each other on such a personal level but the more time we spent gaggling the more I saw just how lovely, insightful, and special she is. So, as I started to look back on the year while we were discussing hopes for 2012, I took note of the fact that there was ONE thing that remained ever-present and consistent in a year that was anything but. It was her. It was those afternoon walks, the encouragement she gave me when I was feeling low, the hugs I would give her when she was fleeing tired, and the friendship that deepened along the way.

So, on this walk yesterday we were talking about, take a guess…LIFE. About 2011 and what it taught us. About 2012 and what we hope for it. About kids. Relationships. The concept that there isn’t ever a right time but we somehow always make it work. I made a comment about wanting some chips to fall into place in this next year because I felt like SO MUCH of 2011 was spent trying to just get myself sorted out that I didn’t have time to really make progress on the things I originally intended to. On our way back to the office she said, “You know, I think a lot of chips fell into place for both of us this year”, and you know what? She’s right. I’m not disappointed that 2011 wasn’t much of what I wanted it to be since it ended up being so much of what I needed it to be. Chips fell into place. Maybe not the places I was expecting them but as I’m siting here now with the Christmas tree as dry as a Leslie Nielson’s humor still lit, the fireplace “crackling”, a warm beverage crossing my lips, the presence of him filling my room and heart (more about ‘him’ later), as the last 32 hours of 2011 tick by I know I’m where I’m supposed to be. The chips fell into place.

A couple of years ago I started to assign a single word to each year. As the year started to conclude I would look back and try to find a single word that would sum it all up. I have a fascination with picking just ONE word for things. I guess I see it as a personal challenge. Because I am always talking talking talking it’s the antithesis of what comes naturally to me. One word to sum up 365 days of internal and external conversations. Sounds so easy in theory but when you talk as much as I do, and when women already speaks an average of 5,800,000 words a year not counting the internal abundance of over analyzing…well, you get it. The point is, I needed a word for 2011 and so I started the process by looking back on my words from the last couple years:

2008: Love
2009: Adventure
2010: Change

But 2011 was so complex. Far more complex than a year of love and certainly more complex than a year of adventure. I knew I needed something with striking contrast. This year was in my face and I needed the word to capture that. It needed a certain tartness that only something like the taste of lemon curd could capture. Yum, lemon curd. So, what does one do when they need to catalog and purge words from the proverbial closet? You think and replay every aspect of your year, a dangerous and gratifying feat.

I can and probably always will remember the night that my life switched course on a moments notice. I remember feeling out-of-body, scared, emotionally unstable. I can so easily recall the last words I said before the door closed and every now and then I remind myself of them and of what I never want to feel again. I’m going to say something and as weird as it is, I know it must be written. I fell in love with a wonderful man who was sweet, kind, likeable, and safe. He broke me open and showed me who I was as a partner and I started to build, often tirelessly, a life WITH this person. I’m eternally grateful for him and for the time we spent, the depth we developed, and the memories we made. I love being in love and I didn’t quite understand that until we were writing our story together. But as most stories, the element of surprise is both fun and fickle. I was surprised when I decided to accept the concept of marriage into my life (that’s the good kind of surprise). I was even more surprised when I found out the person I was planning to take that leap with lied to me for three months and then walked out on me. I’ve never felt such pain and desperation. I kept waiting for the anger but it never arrived in the capacity people told me it would. I just felt like I was walking alone in the dark, the complete opposite of safe. Just this process alone supplies at least 1,000 unique words to choose from. Vulnerable. Tired. Confused. Broke. And Sad, a whole awful lot of sad. But this year wasn’t just about what happened, in fact it’s more about what happened afterwards. It’s about finding myself in the rubble, digging myself out, and then learning to walk again. The almost 8 months following the event that shall always be referred to as “the breakup”, well that’s where my word emerged from.

Now, if 2011 was a dessert the above paragraph would be the bottom layer of thick and spongy cake. The last 3 months of my life would be the top layer, but again, we will get to that later. The truth is, I always like the middle. The middle of desserts tend to hold the hidden pleasure. The middle of the road applies to my perspective on politics. I like things centered, both literally and metaphorically. So yeah, you get where I’m going. The middle of 2011 brought me much to be regarded. I learned how to walk again. Laugh again. Enjoy life on my own. I started to figure out how to say goodbye and how to honor. I learned some things about myself and the type of life I want, need, and hope for. I cleansed. I got a little tattered a long the way and I probably cried more than I should have. But as with storms, the rain brought a sense of freshness. Wiped clean from my slate was a heaviness I was ignoring. My colors began to shine bright again and instead of thinking about stuff all time, I started to think about stuff some of the time, and then that some of the time turned into every now and again, and every now and again is already starting to morph into ‘did that really happen?’. The gooey, decadent center of my cake. I don’t even know what flavor it is…oh wait, yes I do. It’s filled with lemon curd. Tart and sunny. My favorite.

So, what does the top layer of the cake look like? It’s all about stepping back and looking at the big picture and loving it for what it was and will always be in my life story. I recovered from my 4th and final surgery this year. I re-injured and started to heal my long-standing back injury. I got a roommate. I worked on finding my place in my career even when I felt like giving up. I saw new corners of the world. I wrote and performed my best friends wedding ceremony. I turned 30 years young. I hugged my sister friend when she told me she was pregnant and scared. I reconnected with people. Ate more meals out than at home. I felt the streets of Paris below me. Started swimming again. Listened as one of my most honored friendships admitted discomfort. Asked for things when I needed them. Looked at my wrinkles and realized there is no turning back. I met him. I healed. I found peace.

As mentioned twice now, I’ve been saving a little treat. Something that has been in my life for the last 3 months and something I feel honored to have found. I met him, Tim, through some mutual friends. He’s beautiful in ways I can’t even begin to understand. His soul is as magical as the vessel he calls home. I could spend countless hours thumbing through the words he has delivered to me and within them I would find yet another set of words to consider for my year. Honest. Silly. Romantic. Peaceful. Lovely. However, I feel odd assigning words to a year based on something so new. It’s not that I don’t think he will be around for a while, it’s that this year may be ending with this beautiful, silky, sweet but not overly sweet, perfectly vintage white frosting, so my words needs to include him, the healing and hope he has brought into my life but it’s not the only thing to honor. Because, like the frosting on my metaphorical cake, the balance of sweetness is almost more important than the finished product itself. I’ve said it before and I’ll gladly say it again, I love to love. I love feeling my heart peak with excitement and joy. I love feeling my cup runneth over when the sugary granules explode on my lips and in my heart. However, it’s a year beyond love and what love has given and taken from my reality. It’s about accepting it for what it is. It’s about the balance. It’s about knowing that when the clock flips to 2012, in a mere 30 hours, I’ll be prepared for another ride just like this one if that should be how the chips that fall into place in the next 365.

I’m excited about where I am going. I can’t count my chickens yet but I’ve given myself permission to dream up my plans for any number of scenarios. Life, like surprises, can be fickle. However, I learned that when put to a challenge, I can rise to the occasion. When pain knocks, I answer and face it. I have no doubt that I’m a stronger woman than I was at this time last year and because of that strength, I’m less fearful of taking chances because I might get hurt. The way I see it, if I can get through the first layer, I can have my cake.

So here we are…one word. It’s no surprise, really, since its the title of this piece but when I finally digested 2011 and all it’s markings I settled unexpectedly on the word Bittersweet. It’s tart, isn’t it? You can’t seem to avoid that it starts with something only circumstantially enjoyable and ends with confectionery delight.

Bitter. Oh, indeed it was.

Sweet. Couldn’t agree more.

Bittersweet. Perfectly balanced.

Pleasure alloyed with pain. Amen.

Well, I think that’s it. I think that’s what needed to be said in order for me to close the book on this year and get ready for a new one. I’m not placing grand expectations on 2012 and I’m not avoiding the reality that it could throw yet another curve ball in my direction. What I am doing is being hopeful and letting the adventure continue as it should. Letting the chips fall as they may.

2011: Bittersweet
2012:

One last thing…as soon as I chose my word, I remembered this song from 1997. Cheesy, yes. Perfect, absolutely.

“Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony. That’s life.”

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